Being 18 is wild. I feel like I’m in a middle term, not knowing if I fit in the teen phase or adult phase. On top of that, I’m still shocked that I made it to 18, because looking back, it felt like it was so far away, and my only concern was not getting suspended from school after my friends and I started a protest during lunch against our English teacher in 6th grade—it was a success by the way; she was fired. But getting here after all the changes and eras that I’ve been through is actually a reason to celebrate.
After turning 12, life begins, at least in Brazil. Parties, relationships, you start to build your social life, your group of friends, your personality and you start to discover your true self. People always tell you to enjoy it while you can, because it passes in the blink of an eye. I’m not gonna lie, I always knew that that was true, but I was like, “it can’t be that fast, I’m only 12.” I regret thinking that way, because it did pass in the blink of an eye—especially because I was confined for two years of my life due to COVID-19. Sometimes we’re living on autopilot, and life just keeps us so busy with everything, that we don’t even notice that we’re growing and the time is passing. But, even though I regret some stuff, I’m satisfied with the way that my life has turned out so far.
I think of my life in chapters, but you know those chapters that you read in 2 minutes and it’s already over? Those kinds of chapters. Because I feel like I’m constantly changing—my personality, the way I think, the things I like, the way I dress, the way I behave—every aspect of my life. After I moved to the U.S., I changed a lot too, which was during my Junior year in High School. Sometimes a few of my friends from Brazil remember the old days and the stuff that we used to do together, and I just can’t see myself doing that anymore. Even though most of them are still the same, doing the same things. From time to time, I think that if I had never moved, I’d probably be the same—just like them.
When I moved to the U.S. and started High School, I was so lost. I’m the kind of person who adapts to the environment very easily, but I have to observe the place first for a while, but for some reason it was hard for me to adapt there. Maybe it was the language, the new culture, new people, God knows what it was, but one thing is for sure, I enjoyed every minute of my Junior year; I don’t go a day without thinking about that year. Even though I was lost, I wasn’t alone. I made friends—Brazilians, mainly Fernanda and Sofia—and the three of us were all lost together, which was a good thing, because we really weren’t caring about school at all, but at least we were together. And before you think about it, we all had good grades.
During my Junior year, as I said, I was not caring about school at all. I was just thinking about hanging out and playing truth or dare (it was more like dare or dare) with my friends. Which created a lot of good and funny memories that we all laugh about now. I truly adapted myself in my Senior year, AKA this year. I felt like San Mateo High was my second home, I was really getting along with the rest of the community. But not for so long, because I moved to another state in the middle of it, which it’s actually my Roman Empire, and I’ll never shut up about it. But, reflecting on this, I feel like it all ends too fast. Because, what do you mean, a few months ago, all I cared about was being afraid of being picked on in “truth or dare,” and now I have all these University Applications and responsibilities to deal with? I feel like this drastic change is what’s affecting me the most right now, because I can’t get it through my mind that in a few months, I’ll be in college and it’ll all be over. I can’t do stupid things and blame it on me being a teenager and still learning how life is. I can’t wait for other people to solve my problems when I don’t know how to solve them. I can’t just sleep and ignore my life problems—I’ll actually have to face them, and it all feels awful. And some people might say that I’m overreacting. I know that I’m still very young, being 18 is just the start of my adult life; but that’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want to be an adult yet—I wanna hold onto my teenage years just a little longer. But, I also know that growing up is inevitable, and I’ve learned to accept that, even though it feels scary sometimes.
Growing up is good, because you mature, you learn from your mistakes, and you become independent, but thinking in the past, it was all good—being immature, making mistakes, and being dependent. But, it is the way life is. I’ve learned how to live with it, and now I’m truly grateful that I’m able to grow up and learn more everyday, even though it feels scary sometimes. I’ve learned that it’s ok to feel scared, and it is also ok to accept the course of life and go with it, because if you just think about the past and regret things you never did, you’ll be stuck and will not be able to move on, grow up and live your life. Nostalgia is good, but it can be really dangerous.
